When Evaluating The Quality Of Essay Example

Edge’s edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.

The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:

I would like to thank you for a job well done! You improved upon these essays immensely.

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please click here.

1- Please discuss the factors, both professional and personal, influencing the career decisions you have made that, in turn, have led you to your current position. What are your career goals for the future, and why is now the appropriate time to pursue an MBA at XXX? How will you avail yourself of the resources at the XXX to achieve these goals? (3 pages or 1000 words)

2- Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you. (3 pages or 1000 words)

The Admissions Committee believes the required essay topics address issues that are important in understanding your candidacy for the MBA Program at XXX. If there are extenuating circumstances or concerns affecting your application that you feel the Admissions Committee should be aware of, please elaborate here (e.g., your academic performance as an accurate measure of your potential, unexplained gaps in your work experience) (3 pages or 1000 words)

1-PAST CAREER DEVELOPMENT AND FUTURE GOALS

Have you ever seen, heard of or witnessed any of the following things?

— The surface of the sea littered with dead sheep.

— A domestic waste landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths due to the resultant flood of waste?

— Tea vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price?

— A little girl’s death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her school garden?

— Radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers, causing their deaths.

— A twenty year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil and killing sea life.

Unfortunately, such environmental disasters have become common place in Turkey.

Concerned about such situations, and aware of the insensitivity of the authorities towards our environment and health, I sought to learn ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences, in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to do just that.

I went on to earn a Master’s degree in environmental sciences, subsequently attending a professional international management certificate program in order to gain management perspective.

In order to make use of my technical knowledge and management skills in an effective way, I was aware of the fact that I should start working in a large company that would in turn would provide me insight experience from various industries and the international business arena.

I have now worked in the energy and environment group of Koc Holding headquarters, the first and biggest diversified conglomerate, for nearly two years as a project engineer, mainly responsible for environment and energy sector investments of our holding companies.

This work position gave me an opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world which expanded my international perspective. Working with American partners and English consultants, I gleaned the subtle meaning of being a professional. Though it was unusual for a young associate to be a representative for my company at such events, I am proud to say that my outstanding work performance allowed me to seize the opportunity to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC and the World Bank that increased my self-confidence and improved my management skills.

While working in various business lines, such as automotive industry, consumer durables and energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments and, as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, with a population over eight million people, Istanbul, the biggest city in Turkey does not have a properly operating sewage system, and in most of the areas waste water is discharged directly to Bosphorus.

Ultimately, I am interested in helping to solve my country’s problems by starting my own environmental services business in Turkey, serving both local and international customers giving cost effective and appropriate solutions differing from waste management to safety management.

Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management experiences/skills, especially in finance, marketing and entrepreneurship. I also miss important knowledge of American environment. It is essential that I master these skills since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur.

The XXX School’s MBA program is the bridge where I am and where I want to be.

The inventiveness and uniqueness of the XXX School’s both entrepreneurial and finance programs impressed me. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship from interacting with my XXX School classmates. I value the fact that at the XXX School, entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom but continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application. The XXX School’s curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships and the management field study provide this balance, as demonstrated by the variety and success of its alumni.

I am also drawn to XXX School because of its emphasis on teamwork and technology. XXX School’s MBA program proposes such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance,12-week field application projects, global immersion program directed to teach thinking and acting globally.

Further, the XXX School’s flexible entrepreneurial program allows students to choose electives from 200 courses that will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests.

After a long search I found in XXX a top quality business school, able to provide me with the opportunities to gain the knowledge I need for my future in addition to putting me in contact with a diverse student environment and ensure my perception of American values. Moreover, my background and my desire to succeed will allow me to flourish in the XXX program.

I liked the alumni network and student clubs present at XXX.XXX has one of the strongest and largest alumni networks with 70,000 alumni in more than 130 countries of which I would like to be honored to be a member of.

I count very much on earning a XXX School MBA degree to help me strengthen both my finance knowledge and entrepreneurial skills, necessary to enable me to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational American-based firm; this, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long term ambition of starting my own company and helping Turkey improve its environmental record.

I am now on my way to the next step in my career planning which involves receiving an MBA degree from XXX. My experience and technical knowledge guided my success during each new venture I attempted. These early accomplishments boosted my confidence that I would soon be closer to my goal of being a successful young entrepreneur.

I believe I am on the right path to achieve my goals. I now anxiously await the next phase in my development. I know that my skills along with my experience will continue to aid in achieving my long-term objective.

2-When I was an undergraduate, I was asked, as part of a class, to select a project on which I wished to work with supervisor whom I was interested in studying with. I had chosen to study with the Head of the University’s Environmental Engineering Department on a project named “Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials.” After the earthquake disaster that hit Turkey, causing approximately 30,000 people to die, the State Planning Organization of Turkey has used the model we developed in the project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake.

In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. My supervisor was a person who not only lectured about the issue at hand but also shared his vast knowledge about the practical experience of his professional and personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. On my own, I became president of the Environment Club, organizing technical site visits and meetings regarding environmental engineering for freshmen students.

One day, my supervisor told me about a non-profit organization named Cekul of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group’s activities. Cekul’s main activity is a tree-planting campaign called “Seven Trees.” The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually.

I decided to organize a planting day with Cekul. We have rent a bus and went to the decided planting are together with forty-five students. There were also small kids of ages between eight to fifteen associated with Cekul representatives. When I asked who they were, I am informed that they were the participants of one of the other Cekul activities named “ Education for our future”. Main purpose of the program is to educate children of poor families who can not afford to take preparatory courses for college and/or university entrance exams. At that day we have planted 650 trees and named the little forest as our Club’s forest.

I was impressed with Cekul’s activities and decided to work at Cekul as a volunteer especially for the education program. While working with cekul , I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses.

I have noticed that Cekul is the place to make one of my childhood dreams come true.

I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development.

In the early 1980’s, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a time, we attended school in the company of soldiers. I attended three different primary schools because my family moved so often.

We stayed in least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. People were suffering from unemployement as a result welfare. My classmates were from poor families who could hardly speak Turkish and could not afford to get school uniforms even hardly afford to receive basic human needs such as medicine, food, education to survive. Those regions were much affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terorism present in Turkey in those days.

Because of this instability, the quality of my education suffered. Yet I was well aware that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. With my determination and perseverance, I did well in my college and university entrance exams, winning admission to one of the best colleges in Ankara and to university in Istanbul.

With our luck and ambition, we succeeded in receiving the best education possible, but I knew first hand the difficult lives these children were facing. Early in life, I vowed to help the people if I was ever able to do so. Knowing about the facts of Turkey as a well educated and a loyal Turkish youngman., I am feeling responsible for those people

I started allocating approximately six hours at the weekeneds educating those kids. Giving them mathematics, physics and chemistry lectures. I took the responsibility of two kids who were at the age of ten and eleven years old. We targeted to make them pass through the private college entrance exam that will be governmentally sponsored all through their education life.

After a seven months of period we succeeded. They entered the colleges. This summer they are going to graduate from high school. I not only lectured them but also became their brother by listening their problems and trying to solve them. We also went to picnics and arranged city sight seeing tours to make them also socially strong citizens. Cekul became the chance I needed to honor my vow.

I consider helping these two kids to be my most significant personal accomplishment to date.

As one of our famous poets Nazim Hikmet mentioned;

“Karanliktan sikayet edecegine bir mum da sen yak”

“Do not complain about the darkness, instead add a candle”. My candles are still burning.

3-WHAT WOULD MY CLASSMATES BENEFIT?

My goal upon finishing my graduate studies was to obtain a position in a large corporation. I received and accepted an offer from Koc Holding, a diversified conglomerate, and began my professional career as a project engineer at the Energy and Environment group headquarters. I believe that the perseverance and determination that enabled me to attain these goals are positive values that I can demonstrate to my classmates by setting a good example. In addition, I can share my experiences in successfully motivating others by discussing the Environment Club that I founded while at university.

In terms of software applications, I am very skill full at word, excel, power point and many other programs. Because of my big expertise, I am always asked to prepare presentations to be made for almost every meetings. Although we have an information center at the heaquaters I am asked to solve the problems occurred with the Pcs first.

In the workplace, I have learned how to function successfully despite unpredictable social, economical and cultural conditions. I played a crucial role in my company’s new line of business regarding lignite-fired thermal power plants during the process of energy privatization. I have worked not only on the environmental end but also on the legislative and economical end of those projects in order to gain a “big picture” of privatization. The insight into unpredictable emerging market issues and especially the energy sector privatization development in Turkey that I have gained through these experiences is valuable and unique, and I look forward to sharing it with my classmates.

In the course of these experiences, I have worked with many different people; this has helped me to develop strong communication skills. I am able to express myself well by adapting my communication style to specific people or audiences. My communication skills might be helpful in moderating group discussions or disagreements.

And as a successful project engineer, I have represented my company at various meetings in London, Germany and the United States, which is unusual for someone in his first years at a Turkish company. I am very proud of what I have accomplished so far, and I look forward to sharing my experiences handling these responsibilities with my classmates.

The Case Study method used at XXX School may be a new challenge for some candidates; however, I encountered this method during my professional certificate program. I found several successful strategies, such as active participation and thorough preparation, investigating the case from many perspectives. I believe my experiences will be very helpful to my classmates.

As a result, I may bring my unusual work background from a developing country, my experience working with groups, and my energetic and adaptable personality.

In 1997, the Turkish Ministry of Energy and Natural Resources tendered the transfer of the operating rights of Kangal, a lignite-fired, 450 megawatts thermal power plant, to a consortium comprised of Koc Holding A.S., Demir Export A.S., NRG Energy, Peabody Holding Company and Egem Energy A.S.. It is my work on this first-ever energy privatization project which has been my greatest professional achievement.

The development of this energy business project has been handled by our energy and environment group. I started working within the environmental task team formed by the consortium members early on in the project. Our main task has been to establish the scope of environmental activities for which the consultants would tender. The coordination of refurbishment activities has become my main responsibility due to my technical expertise in environmental issues. Specifically, my duties have included defining the current environmental status of the plant and the surrounding area as well as defining the areas requiring refurbishment; obtaining required documentation and permission from the Turkish Electricity Authority, interviewing on-site personnel and providing Turkish-English translations, organizing consultant work schedules, accommodations, and transportation, gathering information and creating presentations to consortium members in London and Istanbul, and attending meetings with lenders comprised of Overseas Private Investment Corporation and World Bank in Washington, D.C.

To achieve these responsibilities, I have had to utilize many managerial skills, work hard, analyze situations from many perspectives, plan and respond in a timely manner, lead and motivate people and enabling people aware about the importance of the environmental issues.

Because I have been able to achieve these duties, my colleagues and supervisors have increased their trust in me. As a result, I am now delegated to work on several aspects of the project including legislative and financial issues. I have become one of the contact people and company representatives in internal and external meetings among consortium members and investment institutions. Through this project, I have had a chance to gain important international experience and also to improve my verbal and written communication skills both in Turkish and English.

——————————————————————————–

You answered the questions vividly and comprehensively, so my major concern was to tighten up the pieces. The weakest points involved content: the introduction to the first essay, for instance, had too much information, and read like a long list of images that are best made apparent through the narrative itself (more on this later). I’ve taken extensive notes on these and other more substantial changes, so you will find there a lengthier explanation of this point.

In terms of structure, the only major adjustment was the elimination of subheadings. As I mention in the notes, American admissions officers — or, for that matter, American readers in general — are usually looking for evidence of the ability to compose a formal essay where the ideas flow smoothly one into the next. In other words, unlike business briefings, where dividing the text into subsections allows the reader to easily pick out the passage containing a certain kind of information, in this type of essay (where you are attempting to construct a persuasive argument), it is to your advantage to substitute subheadings with well-constructed transitions (I’ve done that throughout the essay).

With all three essays, I condensed the conclusions somewhat substantially.

In each of the texts it seemed like you were off to a good start but sort of ran out of breath towards the end — the essays petered out rather than ending with “a bang”. Since they involved very different types of changes, I’ve written more about these alterations in the notes.

Elsewhere, rather than making radical (and unnecessary) structural changes, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting points, and making the logic of your ideas stand out clearer. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of the pieces.

I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and vivid. I also varied the length of sentences, in order to make the rhythm of the text more interesting (HINT: Avoid starting too many sentences with “I”; instead, try adding more transitional phrases like “Additionally”, or inserting clauses before the pronoun: “In 1999, I began to work…)

Here and there I also found sections where your writing was either too vague or abstract, or where transitional passages were too abrupt (or lacking). I’ve made a few notes here below about a few specific changes where I chose new phrasing based on context.

I’ve organized the notes by paragraph — the number after each “P” refers to the order of the *original* placement of the paragraph.

P1. These are strong and vivid images with which to begin an essay, but the list format is not recommended: admissions officers will be far more impressed if you can seamlessly weave these images into the text. So I condensed the listings and modified the format into paragraph form.

P2. When you say that at fifteen you decided to focus on environmental studies, does it mean that at that time you entered university (as an undergraduate)? There is no mention of your college years — instead you delve into your Master’s right at the third paragraph — so you might want to make that experience more explicit in the second paragraph, mentioning, for instance, exactly where you attended university.

These two paragraphs were both short and related, so I condensed them into a single paragraph (having too many paragraphs can make an essay seem choppy and digressive).

When you mention Koc Holding as “the first and biggest diversified conglomerate”, do you mean the first and biggest in Turkey? I assumed this was the case and added “Turkey”, but be sure to change the passage if that’s not the case (for instance, if it’s Europe/Asia’s first and biggest, or the world’s).

As with the previous passage, it made sense to combine these two paragraphs.

The phrase “appropriate solutions” is awkwardly vague. How about “adaptable”?

Built transition from P8 to P9 and consolidated.

Once you have written out the school’s full name, you can refer to it simply as “XXX”.

Very redundant. You have already said most of these things. I eliminated the paragraph.

You sound like a brochure. I’ll just incorporate the alumni network and student group info into the body of the text in the previous paragraph (P12).

Again, these paragraphs don’t add much to the essay. It’s better to end with a solid conclusion than simply to peter out, so I condensed the section.

The first sentence was very unclear; I rephrased it — basically, simplifying the structure — to clarify the meaning.

“We have rent a bus” Who is we? I assumed it was your Cekul co-workers and you.

“I was impressed with Cekul’s activities.” Watch out for redundant phrases — you had used the exact same phrase in P3.

The sentence “While working with Cekul, I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses” is interesting, but it detracts from the narrative, so I eliminated it.

You might want to clarify the phrase “families who could hardly speak Turkish”, because a lot of people outside Turkey are unaware of your country’s diversity. What language(s) do these family speak?

“educating those kids”. It’s unclear: are you referring to the Cekul kids? I’ve assumed that was the case.

The meaning of the last sentence was also a bit unclear — exactly what are those examinations for? This is how I interpreted the passage: “I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wings with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education.”

This might be painful, but I eliminated the last paragraph — the poet’s saying. It is, no doubt, a beautiful saying, but so many students end (or begin) their essays this way that it has become cliché. By ending with the current section — stating simply that helping these two kids was your greatest accomplishment — leaves the reader with a strong, lasting impression of your character and sense of commitment.

Talk in the future sense: it’s more assertive. Say “I will” instead of “I can.”

The names of computer applications should be capitalized.

Economical and economic have slightly different meaning — when referring to the economy, use “economic”.

Again, I removed the section heading and worked in a transition, tying your qualifications to your leadership experience and thereby rendering the essay a seamless, well-constructed text.

When including several complex clauses in a list, it’s best to use semi-colons instead of commas.

The result is three essays that reveal clear thinking, a unique background, and a keen determination to succeed. Good job, and best of luck in the admissions process — you have picked a fascinating track within the business world.

——————————————————————————–

EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay to the edited version. We significantly improve essays for both clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well.

Turkish news nowadays carry vivid images which have become terrifyingly commonplace: the surface of the sea littered with dead sheep; a landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths; vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price; a little girl’s death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her schoolyard; radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers; a twenty-year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil into the ocean and killing sea life all around.

The frequency with which these environmental disasters fill Turkish news broadcasts — along with the obvious insensitivity of the authorities towards both environment and health issues — prompted me to learn about ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to make a real contribution.

After earning a Master’s degree in environmental sciences, I completed a professional international management certificate program in order to gain a management perspective of the field. I then realized that, in order to effectively combine my technical knowledge and management skills, I needed to accumulate real-world experience. Specifically, working at a large company would allow me to develop insight into various industries, as well as an overarching vision of the international business arena.

I have now worked for nearly two years in the energy and environment group of Koc Holding, Turkey’s first and biggest diversified conglomerate. As a project engineer, I am mainly responsible for our holding companies’ environment and energy sector investments. This position has given me the opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world, thereby expanding my international perspective. Because of my outstanding work performance, I was chosen to attend various meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC, and the World Bank. It is highly unusual for a young associate to represent the company at such events, and my self-confidence — as well as my management skills — was further enhanced by that successful experience.

While working in various business lines, including the automotive industry, consumer durables, and the energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments; as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, despite a population over eight million people, Istanbul — Turkey’s largest city — still lacks a properly operating sewage system. In most of the areas of the city, waste water is discharged directly into the Bosphorus.

In the long term, I hope to help solve my country’s problems by starting my own environmental-services business in Turkey. The company will serve both local and international customers by providing cost-effective, adaptable solutions ranging from waste management to safety management. In order to accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of the field. Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. I am also aware that my knowledge of American environmental issues is insufficient. Since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur, it is essential that I fill in these gaps.

The XXX School’s MBA program is the perfect bridge from where I am to where I want to be. I am attracted by the inventiveness and uniqueness of its entrepreneurial and finance programs, and believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship by interacting with my classmates. I value the fact that at XXX entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application, and XXX’s curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships, and the management field study provide such balance.

I am also drawn to XXX because of the school’s emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance, 12-week field application projects, and the global immersion program directed to teach global thinking and global action. Additionally, the school’s profusion of student groups and its flexible entrepreneurial program — with electives from 200 courses — will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility that I plan to draw on while at XXX and beyond, by taking advantage of (and contributing to) the school’s strong international alumni network.

Above all, a XXX MBA will help me strengthen both the finance knowledge and the entrepreneurial skills necessary to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational American-based firm. Such a position, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long-term ambition of building my own company. By developing and maximizing the technical knowledge and managerial skills I have already accumulated, XXX will allow me to ultimately make a concrete and substantial contribution to Turkey’s environment.

For one of my undergraduate classes, I was once asked to select a project to work on with a supervisor whose interests matched my own. I had chosen to study with the Head of the University’s Environmental Engineering Department on a project entitled “Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials.” After an earthquake disaster hit Turkey in ____, causing approximately 30,000 deaths, the country’s State Planning Organization used the model we developed in this project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake.

In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. Not only did he teach me about the issue at hand, he also shared with me the practical experiences he had accumulated during the course of both his professional career and his personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. I followed his example through personal initiatives such as becoming president of the Environment Club, through which I organized technical site visits and meetings on environmental engineering for first-year students.

One day, my supervisor told me about Cekul, a non-profit organization of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group’s activities. Cekul’s main activity is a tree-planting campaign called “Seven Trees.” The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually.

I decided to organize a planting day with Cekul. My co-workers and I rented a bus for the forty-five students involved. At the planting site there were also children and teenagers present — participants of a Cekul a program called “Education for Our Future”, meant to educate children of families who cannot afford preparatory courses for college and university entrance exams. Together we planted 650 trees in one day.

Finding the work immensely gratifying, I decided to volunteer to work with Cekul’s education program. I soon discovered that at Cekul I could finally realize one of my childhood dreams.

I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development. In the early 1980’s, for instance, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a while, we children attended school in the company of soldiers. As if all the commotion were not enough, I went to three different primary schools because my family moved so often.

My father’s postings coincided with the least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. Those regions were severely affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terrorism rampant in Turkey in those days. Unemployment was soaring, and a substantial proportion of the population had to subsist on welfare. My classmates came largely from poor families who spoke little Turkish and could not afford to purchase school uniforms, let alone basic necessities like medicine and food.

Because of the instability, the quality of my own education suffered as well. Yet I realized early on that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. Through determination and perseverance, I did well on the university entrance exams and was offered admission by one of Ankara’s best colleges, as well as by a university in Istanbul.

It was no easy task acquiring a top-notch education, and I knew first-hand the difficulties faced by children. I have always felt a need to help others; now, as an educated man, I feel even more responsible towards those less fortunate than myself. Years ago I started allocating approximately six hours each weekend to tutoring Cekul kids in mathematics, physics, and chemistry. I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education.

After seven months of hard work, we succeeded. The two kids entered the program, and this summer they are going to graduate from high school. I tried to shore up their academic foundations with personal support — by playing a brotherly role, listening to their problems and guiding them towards solutions. We organized picnics and arranged city sightseeing tours to make them socially conscious citizens.

Cekul, in short, turned out to be the opportunity that I had been looking for to honor my vow. I do not hesitate in pointing to these two kids’ success as my most significant personal accomplishment to date.

My goal, upon finishing my graduate studies, was to obtain a position in a large corporation. I received and accepted an offer from Koc Holding, a diversified conglomerate, and began my professional career as a project engineer at the company’s Energy and Environment group headquarters. I believe that the same perseverance and determination that enabled me to attain these goals will allow me to contribute my unique background to XXX’s dynamic student body. In addition, I will share with my fellow students my unusual experiences, such as founding an Environment Club while at college, while drawing on my proven ability to motivate others towards a common goal.

I have also acquired specific, practical skills that will allow me to pool my resources with those of fellow students. I am quite skillful with several software applications (including Word, Excel, and Powerpoint). At my company, I am often asked to prepare presentations at meetings. Although we have an information center at the headquarters, coworkers frequently come to me first when they encounter problems with their PCs.

My adaptability skills come in handy even in the workplace: I have learned to function smoothly despite unpredictable social, economic, and cultural conditions. During the process of energy privatization, I played a crucial role in my company’s new line of business regarding lignite-fired thermal power plants. I have worked both on the environmental end and on the legislative and economic ends of those projects in order to gain a “big picture” of privatization. The insight that these experiences have given me into unpredictable emerging market issues — and especially the energy sector privatization in Turkey — has proved invaluable, and I look forward to sharing it with my classmates.

Over the course of these experiences, I have worked with many different people, which has strengthened my communication skills. I am able to express myself well by adapting my communication style to specific people or audiences. I have no doubt that these abilities will come in useful in moderating group discussions or disagreements. After all, as a successful project engineer, I have represented my company at various meetings in London, Germany, and the United States — a range of experiences rather unusual for someone in his first years at a Turkish company.

The Case Study method used at XXX School may pose new challenges for some candidates; I, however, became familiar with this method during my professional certificate program. By investigating each case from multiple perspectives, I discovered (and subsequently applied) several successful strategies, including active participation and thorough preparation. I believe my experiences will be very helpful to my classmates.

In addition to this unusual work background and energetic disposition, I will be bringing to the campus a strong taste for, and vast experience with, leadership roles.

In 1997, for example, the Turkish Ministry of Energy and Natural Resources tendered the transfer of the operating rights of Kangal — a lignite-fired, 450-megawatt thermal power plant — to a consortium comprised of Koc Holding A.S., Demir Export A.S., NRG Energy, Peabody Holding Company and Egem Energy A.S.. My work on this pioneering energy privatization project is my greatest professional achievement to date.

Our energy and environment group has handled the development of this energy business project. I started working within the environmental task team formed by the consortium members early on in the project. Our main task has been to establish the scope of environmental activities for which the consultants would tender. Due to my technical expertise in environmental issues, the coordination of refurbishment activities has become my main responsibility. Specifically, my duties have included defining the current environmental status of the plant and the surrounding area as well as defining the areas requiring refurbishment; obtaining required documentation and permission from the Turkish Electricity Authority; interviewing on-site personnel and providing Turkish-English translations; organizing consultant work schedules, accommodations, and transportation; gathering information and creating presentations to consortium members in London and Istanbul; and attending meetings with lenders comprised of the Overseas Private Investment Corporation and the World Bank.

In order to effectively attain these goals, I have had to combine several managerial skills, hard work, thorough analysis, careful planning, timely response, and the ability to lead and motivate co-workers, increasing people’s awareness of environmental issues.

Because I have been able to achieve these duties, my colleagues and supervisors have placed a great deal of trust in me. As a result, I am now delegated to work on several aspects of the project, including legislative and financial issues. I have become one of the contact people and company representatives in internal and external meetings among consortium members and investment institutions. Through this project, I have had a chance to gain important international experience, and to improve my verbal and written communication skills both in Turkish and English. By combining the experience I have gained through this project with the other skills I have accumulated, I will bring to the campus unique perspectives and an innovative way of thinking

Professional Styling And Coloring Products

The salon offers clients quality service based on many years of regular trade and expanding read from outer catchments areas . The business provides a high level of modern diverse skills/services in all aspects of hairdressing, thus reflecting in the duration of business for now twenty six years. Our Professional styling / coloring products are made available from e. G. L’Oreal, Well, and Digit. The salon uses a range of brands to suit the needs and requirements of the customers, thus providing individual variety to the client’s services. The most popular product is L’Oreal coloring range.

As per WV. lorealprofessional. Co. UK “color products are most popular with customers as they deliver up to 100% coverage on non- segmented hair with superb condition and shine. ” This is reflected on the demand for the product by present regular customers. RESEARCH: Research means discovery, veal (1997:2). This means researching things that are known that are not known. Research is to perform a methodical study on a specific topic in order to prove a hypothesis or to answer specific questions. This is the goal of any experimental process. (NRC. Model. NC/hand) The research process needs to be systematic (carried out in a methodical and organized manner) and follow a serious of steps, which includes a rigid standard and protocol. The planning needs to be organized and include performance literature review. Research is the process of finding solution to a problem after thorough study and analysis. The aims of research are to observe, describe and predict. Determination of the cause explains purpose of research – why we conduct research (why it is necessary) diligent and systematic inquiry into a subject in order to discover or revise facts and theories.

The concept of research will include gathering materials arranging or card-indexing them, collection of data appropriate to the particular problem. Statistics questionnaires and enthroned experimentation recording evidence sorting it out and interpreting it. The main fact is the importance of methodology throughout the process. It will be necessary to observe objectively using the techniques and tools required during the process. Discipline needs to be applied thus evaluating results with confidence and put into action objectively.

In this scientific age all of us are in many ways consumers of research results and we are able to judge the adequacy of the methods by which they have been obtained. The knowledge of methodology helps the consumer research results by valuating thus enables rational decisions. Primary research – A direct source of information or to research a document not emended by a third party thus producing data obtained from original source. (sedulous Secondary- source – Information or research gained from a source such as a client survey questionnaire.

The research method is designed to determine most effective efficient way to something. This type of research is carried out with existing data thus results are obtained from numerous forms such as e. G. Books, journals, library sources, internet, and literature, (The Times) What are the answers e expect, reasons and logic why we expect these results observations and experimentation? Testing the characterizations based on hypothesis we collect theory and predictions and have a better understanding of phenomenon. By the end of our research we can draw on the conclusions based on research process and methods.

Research gathers and analysis information about moving of goods or services from producer to Consumer. The Series of steps to follow during research listed below are as follows: Method Formulate questions Defining a research project Hypothesis Prediction Conceptual variable Collection data Operation allocation Selecting method Measurements Test Hypothesis Empirical evidence Conclusion Generalization Errors in conclusion/ overview Ref. Expellable. Com-copyright 2008-2013 Anonymous (Maya, 2008). Research basics. Retrieved swept 30, 2013 Http://expellable. Mom/research-basics <ahref=http://explorable. com/research-basics>Research Basics QUANTITATIVE DATA Quantitative data consists of high levels of evidence or facts, provided in data sets within statistics. The use of closed questions within a questionnaire that will provide another source of “quanta” these are placed on a table and used to fill in APS within other forms and provides contemporary confirmation of secondary literature. The researcher needs high numbers of respondents or units of data to attain valid, acceptable and reliable findings.

Quantitative data is concerned with numbers through the use of graphs, charts and tables. QUALITATIVE DATA Qualitative data is rarely proved to be correct, according to the laws of science or scientific research. This type of research explores opinions, values, and experiences through methods such as interviews or focus groups, scripts and reports therefore the phenomenon occurs due to trends and the nature of people however it’s the richness of data that is important, not always the number of respondents.

HYPOTHESIS IS ORGANIC BETTER THAN NINA. I THINK SO ? ORGANIC L’OREAL NINA COMPARE; WHICH IS BEST ! AIMS: The researcher will be conducting research in relation to Organic hair colors and L’Oreal NINA hair colors used within hairdressing salon’s comparing and contrasting both brands. The Researcher will collect information relating to this topic by using a primary source in the form of a questionnaire, thus acquiring qualitative data, and quantitative data collating all information necessary to omelets this research project.

OBJECTIVES: In recent years Organic colors have grown in popularity therefore in conjunction with this assignment I will be researching these products and therefore be more educated and knowledgeable when informing clients wishing to use these products and services. The Organic Color system per L’Oreal NINA are central to my research assignment. Clients depend on their hairdresser to advise and provide variety within our services but can be unwilling to change unless we can give detailed information on the benefits and features of products and services.

During this assignment the researcher will research individually both products gaining essential knowledge and development within each coloring brands. METHODOLOGY: The methodology used will be my questionnaire; this will be shown in contrast within results analysis in the form of pictorial results and statistical evidence. STOW ANALYSIS: STRENGTHS High quality and value Relatively high customer satisfaction so far Experience in the field/qualifications Communication skills Specialization in the services offered Pleasant atmosphere OPPORTUNITIES Development of services Favorable industry trends

Technology development and innovation Expanding target market Good Long term relationship with customers=more clients WEAKNESSES Unfavorable location Lack of parking space Poor advertising Message conveyed through communication THREATS High mobility of customers More demanding customers Threat of new entrants/higher competition Customers affected by credit crunch Literature review History of color: Historical evidence shows we have always remained interested in our appearance.

This is displayed through color when man went hunting or attracting a mate since the earliest times, we have continuously looked for ways o change our appearance. Archaeologists have found evidence to suggest early man used minerals, plants and insects to paint bodies and hair to appeal or rebel. Hairstyling was introduced in Roman society BBC noble woman colored their hair red middle class blonde and poor woman colored theirs black. Egyptians used henna as a coloring agent as records confirm evidence from around 1 BBC.

Through the centuries hair color has been deemed important, within specific eras red hair carried cultural and social significance thus blondes were hailed very important in social ranking. In the dark ages red hair was a sign f witchcraft, as red hair is caused by genetic mutation as first records indicate the first natural redhead was born in Scotland. Queen Elizabeth auburn hair was also imitated as a reflection of royal status. Renaissance times favored golden hair because it gave an angelic connotation.

Venetian woman wore crossness hats and used alum, honey, and black sulfur to encourage sun bleaching. Hollywood blonde bombshells were defined as “sexy” but few were natural these woman achieved fame due to the bleaching era. History reveals blondes and redheads gain the most attention however 60% of the worlds population are reunites therefore have the widest range of shades to choose from as henna, indigo, sage and chamomile could only darken hair. Europeans have darkest shades in regions such as Asia, South America, and Africa.

The darkest brunettes originate in exotic Europeans. Modern times and trends dictate hair colors and geographical location. In European nations blonde and redheads were considered more emulated thus in Europe nations darker colors are more alluring. Commonplace for blondes would be Scandinavian as blondes are not a big deal and very little make a fuss of a redhead in Scotland and Ireland. Today’s rends are often associated to fashion and celebrities. Ref. Hardliner. Mom/info/haircloth-history. HTML Hair color by its nature is a chemical treatment and sometimes not always 100% organic however not all colors are made the same. Whilst researching this topic have collated, controversy and variable amounts of information in relation to my research project. It has been an exciting and invaluable experience. Robin Totally states “l have been fortunate to experience no side effects of 30 *years of hairdressing”. Irreconcilability’s. Mom Whilst conducting research my focus remained primarily upon ingredients chemicals) as manufacturers preferences concerning their choices of ingredients (chemicals) was both educational and disconcerting. L’OREAL NINA COLORING PRODUCT INGREDIENTS: PDP: Can cause allergic reaction in clients, however some companies have replaced PDP pigments with PAD (FULL NAME OF PAD) Dianne toluene sulfate: PDP, s replacement ingredient PAD, these chemicals are severely toxic, double the amount is needed to replace PDP “these chemicals are severely toxic”.

This ingredient is rated 10 highest hazard possible in Skin Deep’s Cosmetic database is described as “A volatile petrochemical solvent and paint thinner” toluene is a tent neurotically and acts as an irritant, impairs breathing, causes nausea” this ingredient is a leading cause of blood cancer and toxicity to the immune system. Irresoluteness’s. Com PRE: Cocaine is a polyethylene glycol that has a Skin Deep Cosmetic’s database hazard rating of 3-6 moderate hazards however PRE cocaine carries a heavy warning that it is not safe on damaged or injured skin and is often recommended to be used with high concentration of hydrogen peroxide.

This may put clients at substantial risk even when they decide to pay extra for healthier organic color. Denominating: Skin Deep ranks aliphatic amine as one of the highest hazards, an inexpensive PH adjuster used in mass-production lines like L’Oreal NINA and Chi organic colors. Experts warn that this chemical Denominating causes immune failure, respiratory toxicity and cancer. However it may be a safer alternative to ammonia, Nonmathematical is more expensive but much safer cousin is less frequently used primarily due to costs.

Denominating (did- meaning two) and Nonmathematical moon-meaning one) serve essentially the same purpose as ammonia. Although Demimondaine’s 5 rating as a high hazard, Nonmathematical is a low hazard. All oxidative colors require one of the three to work, however Nonmathematical is by far a safer alternative. LOYAL NINA COLORING BRAND L’Oreal NINA hair color is not organic, natural, cruelty-free or CEO-friendly product as their advertising campaign would suggest.

These colors according to Stacy Milkman (co founder of the campaign for safe cosmetics and author of Not Such a Pretty Face) score a high 10 (hazard) in Skin Deep’s investigations. NINA Has multiple concentrations of Pad’s (parliamentarian’s) contained in other air colors and more than 10 times the levels of MEA (nondenominational) hence the fact this ingredient is required to provide permanent results, it is in client and stylists best interest to minimize both chemicals.

This revolutionary new professional color proclaims they are ammonia free however after removing ammonia they replaced it with resorcinol and a severe concentration of ethanol’s (also known as nondenominational) in their ammonia free color? And ammonia hydroxide in their non-ammonia. Both these chemicals are considered high risk by experts as are several others included in list of ingredients.

Research also highlights color takes longer to apply, poor coverage on grey hair, poor performance by salons and clients due to swelling of the hair’s cuticle becomes difficult to comb and become equally recognizable on second application. NINA MANUFACTURE INGREDIENTS: INGREDIENTS DESCRIPTION RATING COMMENTS SKIN/DEEP Aqua water A safe primary ingredient. Low Hazard O Ethanol’s Used as a pH Adjusters generally considered to be safe in cosmetics at low concentrations. Ingredients are required by law to be listed in descending order of concentration.

The fact that Ethanol’s is listed as the second highest encountered ingredient in NINA may be a bit of a concern. Moderate Hazard 4-6 Alcohol Denatured Ethanol that has additives to make it more poisonous or unpalatable. Used as a viscosity controller. Generally a safe ingredient. Low Hazard – 2 Propylene Glycol Viscosity controlling agent also used for skin or scalp conditioning. Generally considered to be a safe ingredient. However, there remains some controversy regarding this ingredient seemingly because it is also used in anti-freeze products (as is water).

Moderate Hazard – 3 Deployment Glycol Viscosity controlling agent. Generally considered to be a safe ingredient. Low Hazard 1 Hygiene Glycol Used as a solvent, surfactant, or emulsifying agent. Generally considered safe but represents a strong skin irritant. Moderate Risk 4 Hydroelectricity’s Emulsion Stabilizer Generally considered to be safe. Low Hazard 0 Resorcinol Synthetic dye used as hair Colorado This is a very dangerous ingredient and there are much safer alternatives like 4- Chloroforming.

It seems odd that a company would choose to use resorcinol when a much safer, and arguably more effective, alternative exists. The only conclusion might be to save costs. High Hazard 9 p-Anopheles Hair Colorado agent derived from coal tar. Generally considered to be safe provided use and concentration restrictions. High Hazard 8 Toluene 2,5 Dianne Aromatic amine This is a dangerous ingredient that has been restricted for use in cosmetics in the Cosmetic Ingredient Review Assessments and has been linked to certain kinds of cancers and reproductive disorders.

High Hazard 7 2 Meteorological Hair Colorado and aromatic anima. A low toxicity ingredient that has demonstrated some links to temporary skin irritation in certain concentration levels. Generally considered safe. Low Hazard 2 Sodium Matriculates Preservative A moderately dangerous preservative that is a known human immune system toxicity. Moderate Hazard 5 Most (almost 60%) of the ingredients of Anion’s base which we evaluated had a skin deep rating of “moderate” or “high”. This is compared to about 20% of Organic Color Systems.

Radon- Naturally Produced Radioactive Gas

Radon is earth’s only naturally produced radioactive gas. It comes from the breakdown of uranium in soil, rock, and water. Radon has no odor, no taste, and can not be seen. When it comes indoors it can become a health hazard. Radon can enter your house through cracks and openings in the foundation, floor, and walls. Radon decays and is inhaled into the lungs. The energy released can damage the DNA in lungs and can cause cancer.

I think that a law making it illegal to sell a home containing radon in the basement would be a good idea. Radon is estimated to cause thousands of cancer deaths each year in the US. On a graph I saw on the Internet there was the amounts of deaths in drunk driving, radon, drowning, fires, and air planes crashes. Radon had the second highest amount of deaths a year, right after drunk driving. The Surgeon General has a warning that radon is the second leading cause of lung cancer in the US today. The only way you can detect that you have radon coming into your house is by testing it. EPA and Surgeon General recommend testing all homes below the third floor for radon. If radon is found in your home it can be fixed.

Nearly one out of every fifteen homes in the US is estimated to have high radon levels. High radon levels have been found in every state. The levels of radon can vary widely from homes in the same neighborhood. The average person in the US gets more radiation dose from the exposure to indoor radon than from any other source of natural or man made radiation, according to the National Council on Radiation Protection and Measurements. Radon is classified as a Class A human cancinogen. Many underground miners have cancer or end up with cancer. This is from the close exposure to radon. The EPA action level of radon is 4pCi/L. that are belived to be the same exposure to radon as miners. The National Cancer Institute believes that 10% of lung cancer deaths in the US could be due to indoor radon exposure.

Information on radon causing cancer comes from molecular, cellular, animal, and human studies. Women (from studies) have shown to have a slightly lower risk than men. This may be because both sexes have diferent lung dosimentry. Children have shown to have a higher risk because their lungs are still growning and are not as strong in resisting smoke and radon. Because of this dangerous radon children are becoming more prone to cancer, and they can’t even prevent it at such a young age.

I believe that this law is a very good idea. Radon has made (our homes) something that is supposed to be the safest place, a place that we could be exposing ourselfs to radiation. If the law is passed, I assume insurance would pay for the inspection. If the law is not passed, then I think everyone should consider installing a radon resistant feature. These cost about $800-$2,500, which I think is a reasonable price for your life or the life of loved ones. Even if (when the law is passed) the inspectors only detect radon in one house in the city, that is one life, or one family you might have saved. I think that passing a law making it illegal to sell a home with radon in it is a good idea, and should be practiced throughout the state.

 

error: Content is protected !!